Week of June 3, 2013

Learning Laffs' summer break begins after this issue.
See you again next fall!

Top Twelve Things You Teachers
Will Miss During the Summer Break

12. Bells that tell you when to use the restroom and when to eat

11. Lunch food that comes in patties, rounds, triangles, squares, sticks, slices, and wedges

10. The daily chats with colleagues gathered around the warm glow of the one functioning copy machine

9. Those restful meeting naps

8. Online surveys from the district office that keep you from accomplishing anything important

7. Challenging handwriting puzzles from your students

6. Seating charts that save you the trouble of actually having to know people's names

5. Engrossing philosophical discussions about the use of the bathroom pass

4. The dangerous thrill you savor when you skip an important meeting

3. The positive effect of chalk dust on your oily complexion

2. Feedback from students on your clothing, your hair, and your career choice

1. The deep satisfaction that comes from seeing a long row of buses pull away from the school at the end of the day

Last fall my principal talked me into attending a series of special professional development sessions.

I was to be in the first cohort of teachers trained in a new program.

I hated being gone from the classroom so much and I regretted all the work involved in preparing for and then recovering from the substitute teacher days, but the training did present some ideas I could - and did - implement in my classroom. So I was beginning to think it was all worth it. But then the lead trainer hit me with the new F-word.

I was told that I could not just implement what I had learned in my classroom. I had to stop. I was told that I could not integrate my new learning with what I already knew about teaching and what I knew about my school and my students. I was told that there were a number of protocols that I had to learn and that I had to perform. I was told that any and all implementations of the program in our district were to be done with absolute fidelity. Fidelity. That was the new F-word.

I was told that fidelity was meant to avoid a "free-for-all." What were they afraid of - that individual teachers would be intellectually involved in the implementation of the program in their classrooms? After a while it became obvious that fidelity was meant to avoid at all costs any kind of integration with current practice, or with other theories, or with any other best practices.

Fidelity was meant to avoid any off-script successes.

Fidelity was not aimed at serving our children, but at proving that the program would work as it was designed anywhere in the world. Our fidelity - if it led to success for the program - would become their sales pitch. So we were allowed to make no adaptations, no adjustments, and no accommodations for our setting or our children. The primacy of the success of our students had been supplanted by the primacy of the success of this new for-profit program being implemented in our schools.

And it wasn't fidelity to the ideas of the program, or to the program's underlying philosophies, or to the research upon which the program was based. No, they were talking about fidelity to Page 16 in the teacher materials. And fidelity to Slide 27 in the PowerPoint presentation. And fidelity to Student Handout 34b in the lesson materials. They weren't looking for us to create some great new units of instruction or engaging experiences for our students. They were looking for us to use - in order - every single thing they included in the program and nothing else. And fidelity also meant compliance. And compliance had to be enforced.

Due to my earlier irresponsible implementations of good ideas, they knew not to trust me. They assigned me a "coach." My "coach" spent most of her time authenticating and enforcing my fidelity to the program. So on "coaching" days we did the program just as it had been scripted. On the days following the coaching days, my students and I would critique the previous day's script and talk about how the scripted lesson could be better taught. Then we went on with our regular teaching and learning until the next "coaching" day. I rationalized my deviance with the idea that I did have fidelity. But it wasn't a fake fidelity to a program that disrespected all ideas outside of the program, disrespected all practices not specifically endorsed by the program, and disrespected all the learning and all of the success that teachers had enjoyed prior to the program implementation. No, I had a real fidelity - fidelity to my students and their learning.

In the end, my kids did great - better than any of the other classes that were implementing the program. And so I finally - and with great pride - admitted my non-compliance. The program people were very, very disappointed and my "coach" pulled a Bobby Knight and had to be restrained. They couldn't use my wonderful students in their research now. They couldn't sell their program with our successes. There had not been fidelity. My students all raised their test scores, they all reported that they liked school more than ever before, and my principal wrote me up for insubordination.

So I'm not participating in the program next year. My "coach" cut me from the team. But it's my own fault. I really should have known better - before I agreed to participate in this program. I should have been tipped off by the program name.

So, if anyone volunteers you to join in "Axioms of Acquiescence," tell them you are not interested. And don't fall for their other program either, "Doctrines of Deference."

It's just not worth it. The teaching life is much better lived off-script - and with real fidelity.

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week Fuddle River Middle School principal Les Dorgan reported to the board about the Casino Day recently held at the middle school.

The day was an innovative way to reward students for good behavior. For a number of weeks this spring, middle school students were rewarded with casino chips if the staff and faculty "caught them being good." Some students were so well-behaved that they amassed great piles of chips in the days leading up to the event. The students were excited about the opportunity to gamble with their chips at the casino in the school media center, and to cash in their chips for valuable prizes. But a week before the event, Principal Dorgan found that the school was unable to afford prizes for the event, and Dorgan was unwilling to again ask the community for donations

Instead, Dorgan left it up to the teachers to find a way to make sure that each student lost all of his or her chips before the end of Casino Day. Math teachers in the building spent the final three days leading up to Casino Day confusing their students about probabilities, odds, and averages. Language arts teachers taught gambling vocabulary in a way designed to completely confound the students when they played the games.

Teams of other dedicated teachers worked after school to load dice, rig the roulette wheels, and learn how to deal blackjack from the bottom of the deck.

The students really seemed to enjoy the day of gambling, even though the odds – that they had no hope of understanding – were overwhelmingly stacked against them.

In the end, the house prevailed and all of the students lost all of their chips. Dorgan declared the day a great success and added that plans are already underway for rewarding more chips and holding another Casino Day next fall.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Week of May 27, 2013

Thirteen Signs You - The Teacher - Really Need A Summer Break

13. You've become consumed by the obsession to create the perfect bulletin board.

12. You've started wearing a striped jersey and calling fouls in the hall during passing time.

11. You hurry to school every morning to read the new stuff students have written on that desk in the third row.

10. You've become hooked on the dangerous thrill you get from sneaking into the office to steal other teachers' mail.

9. You've begun creating twelve "back-up plans" for every lesson you write.

8. You find yourself really liking the smell of those dry-erase markers.

7. You spend all of your evenings doing “reply-all” emails to all school and district messages.

6. You find yourself savoring the dangerous excitement of "Chef's Choice."

5. You've become so dependent on your school schedule that you're having trouble figuring out when to go to the bathroom when you're at home.

4. You find yourself humming only songs that are educational.

3. You have already snacked on paste three times today.

2. You regularly spend your entire prep hour playing with the toys you've taken away from your students.

1. You've begun to refer to the intercom speaker as "Mommy."

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting. The board voted to approve the school calendar for next year. Classes will begin on August 26 and end on June 6th.

The board also voted to consider a number of special days and special weeks proposed by Fuddle River's teachers. In the past, special days and weeks were set by administrators from the district office. This year, in the spirit of collaborative management, the board asked the teachers to propose special days and weeks of their own. The teachers' list includes the following:

"Be On Time Day"

"Do Your Classwork Day"

"Do Your Homework Day"

"Sit in Your Desk and Be Quiet Day"

"No Running in the Halls Day"

"Bring a Pencil to Class Week"

"Keep Your Hands to Yourself Week"

"Find Your Notebook and Folder Week"

"Tell the Truth Day"

"Stop the Nonsense Week"

"Stop Teasing Timmy Perkins Week"

"Don't Throw Things in Class Week"

"No Dirty Looks Day"

"Because I Said So Day"

"Don't Even Think About it Week"

"Erase Those Words on Your Desk Day"

"Bring the Teacher a Gift Day"

"Contribute to Your Teachers' 403b Day"

"Send Yourself to the Office Day"

The board will consider the teachers' proposals at its next regularly scheduled meeting. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Ending the School Year

Braindon carefully creates three files from all of his school papers for the year. One file is for future reference, one is for his portfolio, and one file is work he wants to improve over the summer.
Dimmy makes three piles.  One to flush in the boys’ bathroom, one to throw out the third floor window, and one pile to be shredded and spread all over the school hallways.

Braindon sorts his pencils, sharpens the good ones, and puts them away for next year.
Dimmy sorts his pencils, sharpens the good ones, and sticks them into the classroom ceiling tiles.

Braindon makes careful observations at the class picnic, writing notes and drawing pictures of all the flora and fauna he observes.
Dimmy makes careful observations of teacher supervision at the class picnic, and then hitches a ride to the nearest McDonald’s.

Braindon cleans out his school locker with a Dirt Devil hand vacuum.
Dimmy cleans out his school locker with a BIC lighter.

Braindon participates in each event at the School Olympics and shows what a good sport he is when he fails to win even one ribbon.
Dimmy participates in each event at the School Olympics and shows what a poor sport he is when he fails to steal even one ribbon.

Braindon wears his best clothes on the last day of school and has his picture taken with each of his teachers.
Dimmy dresses for the beach on the last day of school and draws pictures of each of his teachers on his desk.

Braindon writes good wishes to all of his classmates in their yearbooks.
Dimmy draws mustaches on all of his classmates in their yearbooks.

Braindon anonymously leaves a wrapped present in a gift bag on each teacher’s desk.
Dimmy anonymously leaves a wrapped present in a flaming bag on each teacher’s front porch.

Week of May 13, 2013

I've decided that I want students in my math class to talk more about their thinking as we solve problems. So today I posed a problem for my class and I had my mentor script it for me. This is just my first effort. See, the idea is to get the students to talk about their thinking and to contribute to a culture of intelligence in which we think metacognitively as we solve problems. I am really proud of my first effort - even though my mentor wonders what is wrong with me.

This is today's class:

Teacher: "Here is the problem: There are seven brownies and four people will share them equally. You can see the picture of the brownies here on the overhead projector. How much of the brownies will each person get? And what will you call that amount?"

Student 1: "Who drew that picture - those are brownies?"

Student 2: "Is that supposed to be a picture of brownies? They don't look so good."

Student 3: "Are they supposed to be orange?"

Student 4: "Shouldn't they be called "orangies?"

Teacher: "How will four people equally share the brownies?"

Student 5: "Who made the brownies? Do we trust that person?"

Student 3: "I don't eat just anybody's homemade stuff."

Student 2: "Are they homemade or are they store-bought?"

Student 4: "I bet they are some cheap, store-bought brownies - all orange and everything."

Student 1: "I don't like nuts, though. Are there nuts in those brownies?"

Student 5: "Justin is allergic to nuts. Maybe he should work on another problem."

Student 3: "I'd like another problem too. Those brownies look nasty."

Teacher: "What would be an equal share of these brownies?"

Student 1: "Are they just sitting on the table like that or are they on some kind of a plate?"

Student 6: "Who eats right off the table? They need a plate."

Student 4: "Maybe it is a plate. What color is the plate?"

Student 3: "We use napkins instead of plates for snacks at home."

Teacher: "Four people and seven brownies - how do you work that out?"

Student 7: "Is there any milk to go with the brownies?"

Student 8: "You gotta have milk."

Student 6: "Well, how much milk is there?"

Teacher: "Let's focus on the brownies."

Student 9: "Wait - is this a snack or is it dessert?"

Student 6: "Maybe it's a meal."

Student 5: "I think it's dessert. It's gotta be dessert."

Student 2: "What was the dinner, then?"

Student 5: "I think it was chicken."

Student 4: "Unless those are orange brownies. I bet they don't go good after chicken."

Student 1: "Those can't be brownies. Who would eat brownies that look like that?"

Student 3: "I know what I would do with those brownies. I'd find a place in the trash for them. That's what I'd do."

Student 6: "Oooh, Jerome, you solved it! Nobody gets any brownies - that's equal sharing. Dump them nasty brownies in the trash."

Student 2: "Is that the right answer, Teacher? No one gets any brownies because the brownies are nasty? Did we do it right?"

Teacher: "Everyone outside for recess!"

octopation – any career – like teaching – that requires you to do eight different things at the same time

osmositist – a student who believes that sleeping on an open textbook will result in cognitive gains - the belief is based on the idea that information will flow from an area of high information concentration (the book) to an area of low information concentration (his brain)

parentanoia – the irrational fear that every parent you see near the main office is there to complain about you and your class

partfolio – the big binder of work that is turned in half-finished

pencil shapener – the mechanical device mounted on the wall of your classroom that shapes rather than sharpens pencils

peripacrastination – putting off grading all of those papers by walking around during your preparation time

photocroppies – the handouts you get back from the copy room with only half of the text that was on the original

predoubt – to worry - before class - whether the lesson you have planned will engage your students (also known as “the qualm before the storm”)

predundancy – preparations made in advance to repeat directions over and over and over again to your students

premorse – to feel badly in advance about what that repetitious behavior does to the one student who actually pays attention

pretendance – what a teacher does at the beginning of each class after he has given up all hope of ever figuring out the school’s new attendance policy

purseverance – the personal quality that allows a student to spend 45 minutes of a 50-minute class digging through her purse in search of a pencil

Top Ten Signs a Child is Trying to Get Left Behind

10. Every five to ten minutes during class he yells "BORING!"

9. He keeps jamming the office paper shredder with textbooks.

8. The only work he's ever handed in was a funny drawing of you.

7. Every time you give him a worksheet, he eats it.

6. Whenever you announce a due date, he laughs loudly and derisively.

5. The only writing he'll do in class is graffiti.

4. He only raises his hand to throw something.

3. His only interactions with classmates involve insulting them.

2. He's never without his pillow, ear plugs, and sleeping mask.

1. Whenever a test is announced, he runs out of the room and pulls the fire alarm.

Week of May 6, 2013

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to express their gratitude to the parents of our fine Fuddle River students.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who ordered the school fundraiser pizzas, paid for them, tried to eat them, and then threw them away. Our students appreciate your never-ending generosity.

The board wants to thank all the parents who completed science fair projects for their children this year.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who visited the 24-hour Office Place Superstore in the wee hours of the morning for school-related supplies and materials.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who volunteered to judge the Middle School FACS Cook-Off and then did not initiate litigation following their hospitalizations.

The board wants to thank all the parents who drove their children to practices and school sporting events in spite of the district's usual pathetic performance in interscholastic sports.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who participated in the schools' site council meetings without heckling or threatening council representatives with school fundraiser pizza.

The board wants to thank all the parents who completed state test-prep homework packets for their children this year.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who - for the time being - have helped to save valuable landfill space by making purchases at the district rummage sale and silent auction.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who made sure their children were ready for the big state tests - especially those who took the time to write crib notes on their children's skin and clothing.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who ordered the school fundraiser cheese and meat trays, paid for them, tried to eat them, and then threw them away. Our students appreciate your never-ending willingness to take risks.

The board wants to thank all of the parents with Caller-ID who actually answered their phones when the school called.

The board wants to thank all the parents who volunteered in Fuddle River classrooms despite this year's head lice epidemic - especially those parents who took home lice that could have ended up on some of our students.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who volunteered to supervise middle school hallways - even at the risk of embarrassing their own children.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who ordered at the spring plant sale and then donated their DOA plants to the district compost bin.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who drove their children to their bus stops during the September to May transportation mix-up.

Finally, the board wants to thank all of the parents who ordered the school fundraiser candy, paid for it, tried to eat it, and then threw it away. Our students appreciate your never-ending gullibility.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

 

Okay, Ms Paulsen is gone for a minute, so it's time for another time-off-task meeting. It looks like our numbers have fallen again for the third week in a row.

I am very disappointed. How are we going to avoid learning if you all are not giving a hundred and ten percent? Let's go over our goals and tactics one more time.

When you are talking while the teacher is talking and the teacher asks you to be quiet, remember our goals. We want at least 50% of our class time to be off-task. So if the teacher tells you to be quiet, you don't just stop talking.

Remember, never take responsibility for your own behavior. Deflect. The proper response is, "Hey, I'm not the only one talking." That can be followed with, "Why are you always picking on me?" or "Why don't you say something to Rebecca? She's always talking." By the way, Rebecca, solid numbers this month. Keep up the good non-work.

If we just take responsibility and stop talking, we are sending the wrong message. Every redirection to get back on task must result in some kind of stalling argument or deflection. Don't forget, even a simple denial is worth at least two minutes.

Also, when the teacher tells the class to be quiet, I want to hear more across-class shushing. Phil, you start. Tell someone - anyone - across the room to be quiet. And what is the proper response, class? That's right, "You be quiet." And then Phil says, "No, you be quiet." And we go back and forth at least 34 times.

I also need to see more of you out of your seats. What, are we getting lazy? Would you rather be working? Everyone has to get up and about more. I want to see lots more pencil sharpening, window gazing, and wastebasket runs. There should be at least three of us up at any given time. And, please, remember not to return to your assigned seat. Sit somewhere else. Make the teacher work to maintain that seating chart order. And remember, if the teacher tells you to sit down in your assigned seat, what do you say? That's right, Marcus, "I'm not the only one out of my seat." Or, "Why are you always picking on me?" or "Why don't you say something to Rebecca? She's always out of her seat." Rebecca, you are our star.

Remember, deflect, deny, and never take responsibility for your own behavior. Except when it comes to working to keep us off-task. I'm looking at the numbers here, and I am expecting a lot more from some of you. It's time to step up to plate, folks.

Okay, get ready. Here she comes… Hey, I'm not the only one out of my seat…

Top Ten Signs Your School Is Too Focused On The State Test

10. All art classes involve coloring in little ovals.

9. Every time a teacher asks a student something, it's in the form of a multiple-choice question.

8. Whenever students line up, they do it by percentiles.

7. Lunch is followed by a series of questions about the food.

6. Morning announcements feature a daily update on the train from New York traveling west at 5 mph and the train from Los Angeles traveling east at 10 mph.

5. The music teacher complains that the kids keep filling in the whole and half notes on her sheet music.

4. Recess involves only games related to possible math questions.

3. Reading passages and questions are posted on the inside of each bathroom stall door.

2. The winner of the school talent show was a teacher who did a dramatic reading of the state test script.

1. The school mascot is a number two pencil.

Week of April 29, 2013

I've been taking this new class on nonverbal classroom management and I'm very excited about what I've learned. I've now developed a whole array of nonverbal messages for my students.

The beauty of the nonverbal approach is that I don't have to stop teaching to deal with student disruptions or other off-task student behaviors. That means I'm teaching more and it means that my students are learning more.

It took me a while to teach my nonverbals to the students, but once the students got them down, it really made a difference in my classroom. And it's obvious my students like the nonverbals. I've never seen them smile so much in class.

When I need to send a nonverbal message to a student, I make eye contact with the student, and then I give one of my signals. When I swing my left arm over my head like a helicopter, that means "put that down." When I wave both my arms back and forth over my head and cross them, that means "don't throw that." Swinging my right arm in front of my nose so I look like an elephant means "go pick that up."

A quick jumping jack means that I want you to "put that away." When I clasp both hands behind my back and hop on my left foot, that means "stop talking." A hand slapping myself on the top of my head means "please sit down." Kicking my left leg out to the left and my right leg out to the right with a quick spin means "please get that out of your nose."

A somersault followed by a back flip means "you need to switch seats." A cha-cha step to the right followed by a cartwheel means "stop hitting." Touching my head, shoulders, knees, and toes, and then holding my stomach means "don't eat that in here."

Five hand-clapping push-ups means "give that back." A quick jumping jack followed by banging my head on the board, and then another quick jumping jack means "I thought I told you to put that away." Actually, if I have to repeat any of my nonverbals, I just do the nonverbal signal twice with a head bang on the whiteboard in between.

I'm so proud of the nonverbals I've created to deal with the misbehaviors in my classroom. I just feel so creative and energized now. And I'm even developing all kinds of new nonverbals for use outside of the classroom. My family just laughed at first, but gradually they are catching on to the nonverbal signals I send at home. My fellow commuters on the roads have always used nonverbals to communicate to other drivers, but I'm trying to model more appropriate ones on my drives to and from school every day. My colleagues are learning some of my nonverbals too, and I've created a whole variety of nonverbals just for use at faculty meetings.

After the first few days of using nonverbal signals, I was really sore in the mornings, but now I stretch for several hours before the school day begins. The exercise I'm getting in class has really helped me to feel better overall, but I am dragging myself to my car by the end of the day. Eventually, I'll be in better shape. And, hopefully, I'll soon get over the headache I've had for the past few weeks.

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This was an exciting week in the district as the high school hosted the annual Fuddlefest - the district wide talent contest. As always, the contest featured the talents of the students and staff of Fuddle River Schools. The Fuddlefest planning committee wishes to thank all of the talent contest participants and express their regret that the program was not better planned. The committee promises to invite more participants and to actually audition acts for next year's contest. This year's participants did put on an interesting show.

Tina Guthrige, district copy room aide, performed an interesting collating demonstration.

Third-grader Anthony Elizardo performed an interesting dance choreographed to communicate his need to use the hall pass to visit the restroom.

Elizabeth Hickney, middle school office aide, did an interesting 20-minute print-merge performance.

High school nurse Shirley Carlson did an interesting rap song about "fakers" and "real sickies."

Mel Minkner, middle school math teacher, did an interesting attendance-taking demonstration and then calculated the odds that he had done it accurately.

High school social studies teacher Jeff Ferdman did an interestingly large copy run.

Susan Shiffler, the high school drama teacher, did an interesting piece of performance art about the quality of the coffee in the teachers' lounge.

The final act was eighth-grader Thor Bugner and his group, The Truants, performing a paper-crumpling demonstration. It was, well, interesting.

After serious consideration, and a flexible interpretation of the contest rules, the Fuddlefest judges awarded first prize to Dave Palmquist, high school custodian, for setting up the folding chairs for the audience.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

 

SIGNS IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG SEASON FOR YOUR SCHOOL'S BASEBALL TEAM

- The catcher spends more time arguing with the umpire about passed balls and wild pitches than he does arguing about balls and strikes.

- The left fielder thinks the cut-off man is the kid in the jeans shorts, and he throws to him even when the kid's on the bench.

- Your shortstop and second baseman have already combined for ten double plays this year - as batter and baserunner.

- The right-handed pitcher is what they call the one who remembers not to throw with his glove hand.

- The right fielder has yet to pick up a ball that is moving.

- The shortstop doesn't make any good plays, but he does make lots of good stops. That's why the team keeps an ice pack handy.

- The players think an "intentional walk" is how they get to their positions. If they don't concentrate, they all end up in the right field corner.

- The team's "relief pitchers" are known as "regret pitchers."

- They think a "pop fly" is a bug in their soda.

- The third baseman thinks a "fielder's choice" is about his decision to either duck or run away from the ball.

- A "close play" is when they get the ball back to the pitcher before the hitter has returned to his bench after rounding the bases.

- They think a "switch hitter" is the guy who turns the lights on and off in the locker room.

- They lost a player last week when a baserunner dove for second base and failed to resurface.

- No one has any hits, so the kid with three foul balls is considered the team's slugger.

- No one ever wants to play first base because they get exhausted from running after the ball so much.

- No one has reached third on the basepaths yet, but some are pretty sure they know where it is.

- They think a "lazy fly ball" is a grounder.

- A "bad hop" is what a player does after the ball bounces off his shin.

- They refer to each of their at-bats as a "sacrifice" because of the inevitable ridicule that follows.